What Day is it Man ? Or What day is it man

The EDC comes to the City of Sin

By Royal Hopper  

As they walked across the McCarran airport baggage claim floor two tutu clad linebackers strolled confidently across know three things.
They looked good in pink, outweighed the people giggling at them by at least 60 pounds and they were in the City of Sin for one thing..to dance the night away surrounded by bikini clad ravers who know where they are about half the time.Image

So I am standing in the baggage claim at McCarran airport waiting for my beloved daughter to get back from Boston when I spied these two tutu clad buff boys. It was sight that almost floored me even after 15 years off an on in the City of Sin..

The Electric Daisy Carnival has danced its glittery, fluorescent bikini clad way into the City of Sin.

A few days later the weight lifting tutu wearing Daisy ravers were spotted stumbling back into a Las Vegas hotel weary half naked and surrounded by bikini clad beauties the odd bits of glitter still hanging from the dirty sweat stained tutus.
One young lady in the crowd is certain she is staying at the hotel but simply cannot remember which one and another seems certain that she hears the school bell ringing in the middle of the noisy casino and she is going to be late for class. Her legs move like she is trying to run but worn out from dancing and whatever chemical enhancement she used to dance the night away her legs just shuffle a bit.Image

“Nice costume,” I quip to one Mohawk wearing raver. “Yeah, its cool I got it out of my grandfathers closet,” he laughed giggling a bit answered and then straightening up and asking in a polite respectful voice.”Sir where is the restroom?” Suddenly feeling very old I cut off the last vestige of vintage 1986 hipsterism l was preparing to say as it formed in my mind and pointed to the sign indicating where the restroom was.

The Electric Daisy Carnival is the younger generations answer to the Grateful Dead. Electronic dance music coupled with bright neon leggings, rainbows of hair dye and costumes of every size, shape and description.Image

It is all about partying til you drop and dancing til you can’t anymore much like the slogan written on the rear windshield of car with California plates in white shoe polish.

“Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat,” read the rear windshield as the vehicle that carried it drove down Las Vegas Boulevard. “Rave on,” said another. .My favorite EDC was uttered by a Raver who was asked how many days the carnival had left. Her answer was a simple and straightforward..She answered with a question.
“I don’t know. What Day is it..?” she said looking down at her watch and smiling back at the questioner with tired dance worn eyes..Image

That life in the City of Sin

And in the words of my generation..
Rock On Sinners

Eat, Sleep, Rock Repeat

What the hell is Rave anyway ???

Riddle me this Sinners????
What does it mean when a man with a closely trimmed Breakfast Club beard wearing a plastic tiara storms up to casino employees and demands a Band Aid ( It is a copyrighted name) because he cut himself shaving his legs and was bleeding all over the place. Stay tuned for the answer.

The second question of the week is more straight forward . When is being good at something bad.

 

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One of many anonymous sign holders in the City of Sin – Photo by Royal Hopper

I am not with him/her I swear

By Royal Hopper

Many years ago as I looked across the humid biscuit and bacon scented air of my grandmothers southeast Texas kitchen I heard the words, “ Abraham Lincoln was a hippie who needs to get a real job, Elvis is a communist and the secret of really good 15 minute cornbread is bacon grease and salt,” from someone whose name is lost in the mist of four decades of memory. He could have been a thankfully distant relative or one of Grandmas neighbors but he looked lie he stepped right out of a really bad TV version of a James Faulkner novel.

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An oldie but a goodie – Photo by Royal Hopper

He looked a little like the Jack Daniels enhanced duo of ner do wells seen swapping purloined slot tickets or the pair of pregnant hookers seen dragging a drunken businessman toward a set of nearby elevators.

The thing is down south where I grew up most people, even those who can’t tie their shoes without a staff of helpers can cook a little. Even down in the macho land of cotton where men are men and cattle smile all the time_ people you wouldn’t trust to clip your toe nails can make a mean plate of ribs or a meatloaf that would melt in your mouth.
Every macho southern man can make at least one “man safe” macho meal, like barbecued steak, a pot of gumbo or three alarm chili and most southern women can do things with Rice a Roni that will spin your head like a Bessie Bug..
It is just part of the culture.

Anyway this character whose name I do not remember, smelled like beer, peanuts, hair oil and the bottle of Old Spice he had likely snagged from one of my grandfathers garbage trucks. In short he was colorful southern character from a bad B-movie.
“I seen aliens before.” .he said, “They are here.”

Just last week I saw a man on Las Vegas Boulevard give an intense lecture to a crowd of invisible fans about the inevitable landing of space aliens in preparation for an intergalactic barbecue. Who knew the aliens were southerners..

As, lets call him Billy Jo Ray Bob Jedidiah or Jed for short, he was explaining his recipe for cornbread and sugar cookies and the ways to survive alien encounters he also explained how he, after drinking a twelve pack had fallen asleep in his oldest brother’s dog house and how it wasn’t his fault.

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I have no idea but it was weird so here it is. Tropicana Avenue about a week ago – Photo by Royal Hopper

This week in the City of Sin a man fell asleep on a Sin City street corner in a dress, black leather boots and a rainbow garters. At least I think it was a man and I think he was only sleeping..

As another person who once again I did not know told his fortune with a pack of playing cards they had “purchased” at a nearby Gas and Go he smiled through the mile wide gap in his front teeth added that he didn’t believe in the Easter Bunny, that unleaded gasoline was a communist plot, Fluoride was a myth and family reunions were not the exiting singles scene they were made out to be . (okay maybe I made that last part up)

The point of this random memory from 40-years ago, when polyester was king and hair oil was still a fashion option, is that simply the reason so many of my fellow southerners are fat is that they can all cook a little and many are very good at it..

The reason my current home Las Vegas, the City of Sin is so full of players is that we can all act a little we can all pretend and sell the image of Sin City. It is just part of the culture

As to the reason why Flash Dance inspired living in the 80s drama queens get so bitchy when asking for a band aid ..you got me brother _ I just work here.

And you knew what the cornbread that weird dude cooked was actually really good. .

Hey look at what I can do

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A list of things not do in the City of Sin

* Do not wear a leisure suit or a mullet to a formal dinner. I can tell you from personal experience it doesn’t work….

* You should not get drunk and fall off an escalator twice and then fall into a wheelchair lifty and then tell people five guys beat you up took your money and claim not to speak English until a cop whop is fluent in that language shows up.

* You should not come to Vegas on your honeymoon and spend the day drinking with your brother in law and tell your teary eyed newlywed wife to go away. Chances aere buddy you aint going to get laid tonight.

* Don’t scream at hotel security in one Sin City gambling House that the leader of this nation and two of his invisible body guards were right behind her shooting her in the back as she pointed at an empty stretch of carpet nearby.

* Don’t invite people you don’t know into your room and then tell people she/he was a nice girl/guy and there was no promise of money to come to your room and you were really shocked when the $1,200 and the 1953 Elvis Presley decoder ring you put on the nightstand was gone when you got out of the shower.

* If you are 70 years old don’t offer to show casino patrons a good time for a little beer money..

Homeless and Happy
By Royal Hopper

“Homeless and Happy” read the words scrawled in black magic marker in childlike script on one side of a souvenir paper fan.
Dug from its home in the depths of grimy sweat soaked black back pack the fans lay beside a grooming kit, assorted papers, a small knife and two “lucky Playing Cards.Image

The usual plea for funds “Homeless and Hungry” used by those who make their spending money by asking for it was not scrawled on top of one of the fans. Instead the fans owner had written “Homeless and Happy.”  He was homeless and he liked it apparently ????

Written beneath those telling words were the somewhat disconcerting words “will do anything for money.” Beneath it was a price list for his most popular street side faire.

$1 to tell any joke..$
2 to sing a song or do a dance said the sign

The backpack that contained the fans was discovered inside a Sin City landmark was ragged, well used and to be honest it kind of smelled. From the contents of the pack it was clear the owner had no regrets about his transient lifestyle.

If you live and work in the City of Sin. It is inevitable that you are asked for money by someone who is down on their luck. Usually their story is one of woe and/or hunger.
Maybe the woman who stopped me in the Wal_Mart Parking lot wearing nicer clothes than I was really did need diapers for her baby. Maybe but I doubt it.. It was probably a line and given the fact my family was scrambling like hell to find a replacement for my 13-year-old pick up before it bites the big one so I can get to work and the fact that after paying our bills and trying to put something away for retirement I had less than $20 in my locket until payday I was not in the mood to be played.Image

However it is worth noting that not everybody who lives and performs on the streets of the City of Sin is there out of desperation or the desire to scam their way into prosperity. ..some are just being who they are and some are honest about it.

The other side of the sign read “Donations Cash or marijuana are acceptable”

That is life in the City of Sin
Rock on fellow Sinners

Take care

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Mom and Pop on the Boulevard _ Photo by Royal 

 

Rising temperatures in the City of Sin

By Royal Hopper

 

In the City of Sin temperatures and tempers rise with the onset of summer as does the consumption of cheap alcohol and the display of young athletic bodies and memories of the best forgotten past.
I’m sure it is something the man who stumbled across Las Vegas Blvd. in a Frampton Lives T-Shirt , a pair of boxers and two mismatched shoes can relate to.

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Now this guy is having a bad day _ Photo by Royal 

The woman with the pair of socks in each of her pockets and a handful of one dollar bills who walked up to me and three times started to say something but could not quite remember what she was trying to ask can also understand.

Regret means something different in the City of Sin. Lets talk about regret now stay with me..

A few weeks ago as desert temperatures first started to rise I talked to a man named Frank. Frank, who didn’t give his last name, said he was Vietnam vet from Ohio by way of Atlanta. As he sipped on the brown liquid in his glass Frank admitted he was still haunted by memories of the things he saw and did in that desolate war torn Southeast Asian country so many years ago.

He cant help it. The heat of summer and several doses of Mr. Jack Daniels ethanol anesthetic bring the memories back like a lightning bolt. The very thing he does to quiet the unholy symphony in his head turns up the volume..
“There wasn’t supposed to be any civilians there,” he said adding something about a young innocent that got caught in the crossfire of that chaotic conflict.
Frank’s trip to Vegas was a gift from family.

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Photo by Royal

After listening to his tale I thanked Frank for his service to our country those many moons ago and he shook my hand, smiled in gratitude took a gulp of JD and stumbled off the find a good $3.99 breakfast. His only real regret was that he had tapped into the family reserve once to often and nobody would loan him more money to play the ponies or roll the bones with lady luck.

That life in the City of Sin this week..
So Long Sinners
See you soon

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P.S. Also In Las Vegas one woman of Polish extraction discovered just how empty the City of Sin can be on an empty stomach and how rummaging around Sin City food courts is somehow not an allowed activity.

Corn Pone, Dollar Black Jack and flights of fancy or

 

 

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The City of Sin and the Deep Sultry South

By Royal Hopper  

After a week spent in the warm, sultry confines of deep, deep south.
I am back in the my city the City of Sin. This week’s column on the central question in the minds of pundits, philosophers, Sinners and southerners alike.. With a central question in mind. Can two people named Billie Jean living in towns separated thousands of miles and a Gulf of culture and time be compared ?? Do they both speak English .Do they have the same taste in clothes??? What color shoes do they wear. Are small towns in Mississippi and Las Vegas the famous City of Sin really that much alike ???? Hmmmm. Stay Tuned for the answers to those questions and more bits of Sin City versus down south wisdom.

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Sunset on the Boulevard _ by Royal

When I flew into Texas this week to meet my sister I wore nothing but 15-year-old suit, a pair of black ankle boots and a two day old pair of underwear.
Needless to say I had to stop at Wal_Mart on our way to Mississippi to get some clean clothes.

So lets talk about the clothes people wear in these two far flung places..(Okay transitions are tough to write after five cups of coffee)

In Las Vegas this week hordes of gender bending cross dressers gathered in in the City of Sin to strut there stuff compare dress sizes and ways to deal with razor stubble. They gathered in hotels and on streets lined with fine dining, high end shopping and a culture built on tolerance of self expression and diversity. They wore bikinis and one gender bending giant verbally labeled Billie Jean by her companion strutted through a local establishment his or her store assets giggling proudly as he/she walked. Everyone wore shorts..One woman decided sidewalks were a good place to catch a few zs in her underwear and one man stood on the side of a Sin City suburban street wearing a red dress and smoking a cigar and stroking his bushy beard waving at passersby_ and no one noticed.

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Hey babe i’m an Avenger _ Photo by Royal

In the Mississippi burg I spent a few days the prior week in I saw many people at the Applebees happily wearing the same suit they wore in 1987..remember 1987… I do it was a good year for suits _ really..
And if Applebees wasn’t your style the Cracker Barrel was only a short drive down the Interstate. _ and you know that the chicken fried chicken was really good. Just be in by 9 p.m. because that is when the sidewalk gets rolled up and put away for the night. A man wearing leisure suit and a solar powered watch and a pony tail stood on a Mi’sippi street corner with a bucket of chicken and nobody noticed or tried to give him a dollar to wash their windshield.

Mississippi Billie Jean as her name tag named her wore a halter top uniform in a restaurant where everything from the fish to the ice cream was deep fat fried.

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Photo by Royal

In Vegas this week the cross dressers lounged by the pool at hotel with 4,000 rooms and walked down streets full of cartoon characters and people who will wash your car for a dollar.
In Mississippi well you get the idea.

Now to answer question two..
The Billie Jean in Vegas is 6 foot 5 inches tall and is built like a linebacker. The one in Mi’sippi (and yes that is how they say it) is just the girl who works in the Fry shop in the 1950s Ellie May frock.

Question 1…How alike are Mississippi and Las Vegas ????
Well Mississippi has casinos .
And Las Vegas has casinos.
It gets really hot in Mississippi and it gets really hot in Las Vegas
There are many things alike between Las Vegas and that tiny town in Mississippi. ..What is the answer to this weeks question?? Are Las Vegas and Mississippi are exactly alike. No of course there not dumb ass T his is Las Vegas

Such is Life in the City of Sin and the deep, deep, deep south..
Rock on Fellow Sinners

Stay Cool

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Just cause its cool

 

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Oh Darth you are such a drama queen _ Photo by Royal

Being ditched in Sin City or the DADQ strike again

by Royal Hopper 

 

I was going to make this weeks missives on the definition of what a Dumbass Drama Queen or DDQ really is. Instead I would like to touch on that most important of skills knowing when to ditch the dude and how not to get ditched in the City of Sin.

You see them every day in this City _ someone walking around with a lost/betrayed look on their face, a half empty bottle of spirits searching for the “friends” who left them stranded and hung over in the middle of Sin City.
Last year when the high season ( a word than can have multiple meanings in this city) was going strong a Las Vegas visitor woke up in her car with no clue of how she got there, no clothes to speak of other than the bikini she woke up in and no clue what door the room key stuffed in her right hand opened and no clue how long she had been sleeping her car. This woman had been ditched by friends and left to sleep it off in a convenient parking garage.

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Photo by Royal

What does it mean to get ditched and how to know when you have been ditched exactly.

When your roommate throws a temper tantrum because you can’t find her cell phone which is plugged into the wall where she left it and then throws a bottle of beer thru a window you are registered to as happened in this city time and time again that’s makes them an ahole it doesn’t mean you have been ditched.
What about when breaking a window you are responsible for isn’t enough your room mate punched the window cutting her hand deeply? That isn’t necessary ditching. It makes them a Dumb Ass Drama Queen who desperately needs Dr. Phil but it doesn’t mean she ditched you.
When she leaves without a warning and sticks you with the $500 bill for the damage she caused yeah you have been ditched.

Preventative: Even if you pay for the room make sure your Dumb Ass Drama Queen friend is registered to the room and her credit card is on file. So when she destroys the room she gets the bill.

Every month, week even a man in Las Vegas gets ditched by or woman he picks up in a less than reputable bar. Ditching is what these women do for a living usually after they have taken your wallet or cash or expensive watch.Image

When informed by local security officers the woman was notorious professional ditcher he scoffed. “I am a good judge of character,” the man said sure he wasn’t going to get ditched.
A few hours later he was reporting a missing wallet to hotel security. “Yeah, man the guy was ditched by a pro.”

What do you do about the possibility getting ditched..or needing to ditch somebody???
1) Always keep a ditched/ditching kit in a safe place ie hotel safe deposit box, a locked luggage that is held in a secure lock up like a hotel bell desk or rented storage. Make sure you have cash, ID and a credit card with some credit still on it, spare boarding passes, bus tickets or anything you need to get back home safely stored away.

2. Make sure you are on the registration so you cannot be locked out of the hotel room you rented..

Lastly if you do have to ditch someone don’t leave them without funds or ID or a way to get home.. Don’t do what one dude did at my first week at the Mirage in 1989.. This master ditcher left his wife in their hotel room, took the plane tickets, the money and clothes and ran to a nearby city with a cocktail waitress he had picked up the night before. It is bad karma _ and yes it does make you a penis .

In the end if the person you are with has funds and ID there is nothing you can do to stop them from ditching you.

That life in the City of Sin
See You later Sinners

PS. Does riding a bunch of bicycles down the middle of a busy Sin City byway and continuing to do so when one of you inevitably gets hit by a car makes you a dumb ass Drama Queen????

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??????? You know I dont have a clue _ Photo by Royal

Two men stand side by side staring off into crowd of tourists thronging down a Sin City Boulevard. A song starts to play on a nearby PA.. The two men exchange knowing looks and cross their arms in preparation to do something..

What do the men do ??/Continue reading for the answer ..

The unity of line dancing or how to talk to a bikini clad nun

by Royal Hopper 

Next to Goofy and Cinderella and the Power Rangers stood a bikini clad nun
one of many street performers make a buck or two by posing for posing for pictures dressed in costumes of various sorts.

One of them lets call her Raven likes to wear black. Raven now in her mid 50s wears a bikini and a habit _ a two piece bathing suit complete with the black and white head coverings usually worn by women living in convents..

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Shopping for cameras can be exhausting Photo By Royal

She is in her own words a woman of many talents.. One of many picture posers on the Boulevard Raven took a few minutes last week to tell her story and give her natural Native American tan a break from the desert sun and maybe bum a few cigarettes.

As Raven chews the fat with those seeking shelter from the desert sun outside the casino more men have started to gather around our mystery strangers looking at our two original street urchins with suspicion as the group of men continue to gather looking at each other with suspicion as they do so.

Raven explains to listeners that she didn’t know she had to register with local authorities as an ex felon in order to work anywhere in Nevada. “When I was younger got into trouble a lot,” said Raven acknowledging she had four felonies on her record.

She attests she got arrested again when another street “performer” cursed at a child which is a big no no to her.
“Don’t curse at a child and don’t do it in front of me ..

“Then this bitch shook her **** in my face,” Raven said explaining how the fight that got her sent to jail started .

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another LV Cityscape

 

They took me to jail,” she said.

Out on the boulevard the groups of mystery men of various descriptions have at last begun to look at each in preparation of some premeditated action. Suddenly the music on the PA blaring from the nearby casino changes. Gone is the saccharin programmed rhythms of the 70s dance music. Now the plaintive cries of 80s rebels rockers blare from the casino and finally the men take action.

One begins to shake his arms and then his posterior the other moves his feet in rhythm with the music and all the men begin to shake their booties for passersby. They were dancing. It impromptu flash mob was strutting their stuff for tourists and locals alike. Two men one with a drink in his hand and one with raggedy clothes and obviously time on his hands continue to dance as the rest of the flash mob begins to dissipate.

That is life in the City of Sin

Take Care Sinners

Rock on

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Those damn tourists take all the good spots _ Photo by Royal