Month: November 2012

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The Giggling that was heard across the City of Sin

By Royal Hopper

Once years ago in the halcyon days before 911 I was having a particularly bad day hadn’t slept much in three days and was particularly disgusted with city life its characters when in a moment of frustration I quipped to what I thought was an empty room.

I know this was a complete accident but read both signs carefully..Together they read Hot Babes and then Now with Balls

“Man maybe I will just move to Montana and raise purple hermaphroditic poodles and live in a converted 7/11 by a sheep farm.” Don’t ask it made sense at the time and it had been a really bad day. I heard a giggle from behind a marble column in that supposedly empty room that nearly made me jump out of my $12 shoes or would have if I wasn’t so freaking tired. The giggle was followed by a voice coming from behind the pillar.
“Well said a man in a brown leather trench coat who I had not seen lurking near the inconvenient marble column. “How do you feel about rabbits and Utah is nice this time of year? The man said giggling a little in a gruff crazy guy sort of way. He freakin giggled.

The City of Sin is full of people who drink. It is full of people who gamble to much and visit women of ill repute and men of ill repute too these days. It is full of liars, men cheating on their wives and women cheating on their wives, men and women cheating on their husbands, and their dogs bringing other peoples kids to a Vegas casino to get discount ticket to shows (I‘m not joking). It is full of violent dangerous people dressed as Snow White, Snow White, gangsters, politicians, used car dealers and Time Share salesman and most horridly it is full of people who giggle…
One thing I have discovered Thanksgiving week in the City of Sin the week that saw Alcoholics Anonymous descend on the city ( AA meeting in Sin City please explain that to me) is that everybody in this city giggles a lot.. He he he
Why to people giggle ? I am also told it has nothing to do with humor which having witnessed people giggle at the strangest things and is almost like a compulsion or a mental illness. Gigiltoma ? Gigglitis? paranoid gigglphrenia ??
“Look a man with laying on the floor bleeding from his head,” he he he …..
Hey we just lost a thousand dollars…” he he he

“Hey there’s a very large fat guy with a gray mullet dressed like Elvis dancing with himself and singing Doctor Pepper commercials in what I think was Russian accented Portuguese… he he he. Actually that was kind of funny and it could have been southern accented Spanish or Portuguese. Which is really very smooth and cool sounding. (well not really)

 

This man strides across an intersection of Flamingo Road headed toward a local gaming establishment this week bundled against the  cold oxygen bottle and assorted possessions in tow _ Photo by Royal

It’s funny the things can bring people together and giggling can drive them apart.

This week as I was riding on the highway, yes in a car, and was riding past a residentially challenged man pushing his shopping cart through an intersection on the road.
Because of traffic he was actually moving faster than my wife’s Kia triumphantly pushing his worldly possessions toward the intersection and smiling with thanksgiving appropriate because this was Thanksgiving Day. And he was going to beat all the SUVs to the intersections.
Then the train whistle above the train tracks went off and the crossing guard security barriers dropped down across the lanes of travel the man in the shopping cart was stymied in his trek toward wherever as were all of us motorists. He wrangled his cart off to the side stepped back against curb side barrier base crossed his arms in frustration. For a few minutes we were equal the shopping cart guy and I …looking at each other in mutual frustration. We had places to go after all. I to my apartment and turn on my big screen to watch Hard Ball on my flat screen and slurp coffee and fight off the effects to much Turkey with peanut butter/ cheese crackers while I channel surfed past during the commercial and He of course had to get to his spot on the road where he would sit on the ground and slurp the coffee and gobble the peanut butter cheese crackers he had stolen from the local convenience store while he watched the Pigeon make little pigeons and fight over scraps of dog food left in the grass by a wayward poodle.
For a moment we were engaged in mutual disgust with trains and waiting and assorted Thanksgiving stuck at the railroad crossing stuff.
The in the middle of this mutual simpatico my residentially challenged man giggled loudly enough to be heard over the sound of the train passing by and the warning beacon that was blaring as it crossed the intersection.
Fortunately right about that moment the barriers lifted and we were free to go on our way Thankful we didn’t have giggloma or gigglitis or gigglphrenia.

What do you call a group of evil creatures sitting in a circle at a local MacDonald’s looking at the human beings in the room with contempt aiming their evil at those same humans and giggling at the pain they cause. I call the teenage girls but you may call something else? I saw them at a MacDonald’s in the City of Sin suburbs. The suburbs for Freak’s sake the gigglers are everywhere.


People tend to do things in groups sometimes even without realizing it. This is not always bad because people tend to laugh more in groups, laughter and giggling is a form of communication I’m told with deeper meaning. “There a fire alarm going off and smoke is coming from the bathroom,” he he he
Whatever …. As always such is life in the City of Sin

Til next time
Rock On Fellow Sinners
Rock on

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Werecats invade the City of Sin

By Royal Hopper

If you are in the City of Sin anytime in the near future guard your warm milk, your good shoes and your pet mice the Werecats of Sin City are on the prowl.

You heard it right not werewolves or were tigers or even were poodles the latest City of Sin denizens are in fact undead shape shifting felines. Recently City of Sin paramedics were called to the scene in a portion of the city like they are thousands of times each week. This time was different. They were confronted with a strange question from a concerned resident and the visage of true evil. Well not really evil so much as sad and silly.

Werecats

To paraphrase the citizen who we will call Felix …“Does anything happen when you inject cat blood…? “

Seriously this was question asked by this man to a paramedic in training, lets call him Sat Mahr ( I made that up) and his veteran paramedics trainers.
Felix confessed to the paramedics he was an intravenous drug user. He said his friend had switched needles on him and he may have injected cat blood into his much abused veins. He wasn’t sure if the injections would have any effect but did confess he was having unexplained cravings for warm milk, goldfish and lasagna (Were Garfield) and had spent all afternoon peeing on all the pillows in the apartment and rubbing up against his roommates leg and had developed a sudden aversion to silver. The full moon is getting closer damn it I have to know….Am I going to turn into a giant four pawed pussy cat when the full moon rises.
Well I kind of made up that last part but still.

Where are the were parrots _ Royal

The paramedics reportedly told the man werecats infections were not in their protocols but reportedly managed to calm the man down and offered him some Cat Chow. No not really.
Everyone knows Werecats are allergic to Cat Chow and silver goldfish.
When you see them you must hold fourth a silver goldfish shake the box of Cat Chow and shout ….”
“Back creature of feline darkness behold my pet fish… back I say tempt me not with your purring and hissing. I have dated women. I have dogs. Ask my wife. She’s a woman…”

Werecats called Therianthropes by occult purist tend to be large and territorial and live in large families according to werecats.com and Therianthropes.com/were cats. They tend to live next to large colonies of were bunnies their favorite prey.

A cat or is it a werecat _ hmmm photo from Humane Society

Perhaps the man discovered face down on the floor in front of a popular City of Sin showroom this week may have been a werecat or werebunnie or he may have been abusing controlled substances for several days as he told hotel employees who arrived to check out why a man was lying on the floor with his nose buried in the carpet sleeping on the carpeted floor like a werecat or werebunnie or a hedonist moron coming down from a three day high. No one knows what he told paramedics who arrived to treat him.

If you drink don’t sit in chairs if you sit in chairs don’t drink. Several were bunnies were spotted in the City of Sin this week were simply to

Were bunnies the cuteness that kills

drunk to sit. They sat down, they fell down.

Also Las Vegas police issued a warning about a werecat door pusher. A door pusher is a unique kind of thief popular in Sin City. The door pushers who pushes on doors until he finds one that is not locked and then he enter the room and steals whatever is handy. (How lazy is that) This person stood out to observers because he was pigeon toed, bow legged ..took longer strides than usual and hid his myriad of strange tattoos beneath his unusual long sleeved shirts.
Moral of the story if you are going to be a door pushing werecat in Las Vegas don’t be weird, weird looking, pigeon toed walk weird or have stupid tattoos up to your fingertips.
I now know that this person with his odd walk and pigeon toes is a Were Cat. Think about it cats are lazy and hyper and walk strangely… think about it….think about it …..Weird tattoos.

All you were cats out there please seek help for your condition from those who share your affliction like the folks at www.werecats.zoomshare.com or reach them by email at werecats@zoomshare.com I kid you not. This is a real site.

One elder werecat was spotted lounging in a local casino.
I will call this werecat Mullet Man. Mullet Man is a super natural being blessed with an absolute fearlessness of long obsolete hairstyles, an affection for petuli oil and a mustache that looked like it would keep growing if it was cut off.

All in all the City if Sin barely noticed the werecat invasion. One elderly female tourist tripped over her oxygen bottle while paying slots refused paramedics but asked for help hauling her oxygen bottle to the bank of slot machines she was playing. A man walking his dogs on the boulevard was pleased when a woman walking down the strip stopped to talk …to his dogs and the Old School Jams filtered through the Las Vegas air.

Such is life in the City of Sin.
Until next time
Rock on fellow sinners..Rock on and don’t be a werecat

There are more than 200,000 feral cats in Clark County Nevada according to Las Vegas humane society http://www.lvvhumane.org/stray_cats.php Imagine that 200,000 Werecats waiting to shred your couch covers and use your expensive wooden furniture as a scratching post every time the full moon lights up the desert sky.

http://youtu.be/J6tPYWz8-P4

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Driving down Las Vegas or talking politics between cocktails

Driving down Las Vegas Boulevard this week I saw a man slumped over in a wheel chair on a City of Sin street corner as what passes for winter begin to set in to southern Nevada but first lets talk one last time about the election.

Driving down the Boulevard in the City of Sin on a week day afternoon 
– Photo by Royal
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It was an election week this week and even in the city of Sin people did notice once or twice.
One conversation between a group of older casino patrons in the City of Sin was spoken in whispers early one week day morning and was overheard only by a few bleary eyed gamblers and sleepy caffeine deprived casino employees.
The conversation went something like this.
“Do you think he’s a socialist, my father says he is a socialist,” said one patron pointing at a television screen in the vicinity. “Maybe,” said the other “ a lot of people think he is.”

“Your right. My father says he is a socialist and you know I never really trusted that Roosevelt..” the other said trailing off a bit.
“No the other guy,” said the other.. “You mean Kennedy,” said the first. “No he’s gone,” the other guy….”Oh you mean Johnson…yeah that whole Civil Rights Act really pissed me off….” said the first one. “No,” said the first ..Dereck O’Dama …I think he’s Irish…”

Actually I added that last part but still. The patrons I speak of were obviously older folks somewhat older than my 69-year old mother and I think one of them had a Cosmopolitan in their hand.
I’m pretty sure the two who did most of the talking were a married couple because the woman I am speaking of said ..oh never mind and proceeded to ignore the rest of the male dominated group as they quietly ranted on.
One had what might have been iced tea or a really big glass of Jack Daniels.
Another much shorter conversation might have went something like this.
“So what about that election,?”
And the response “Vas ( German for what)
And another went something like. “Yes I’m here for the election. I’m going to out one thousands dollars on Romney, “ one inebriated man said. “The election was over two days ago..I think,” said the other and anyway I think the Irish guy won.


Souvenir Gift shop another more harmless City of Sin Cliche
Photo by Royal

It is by now a City of Sin cliché that weird people live here. Weird people visit this city and weird people otherwise walk the streets on occasion for all sorts of reasons
This week was really rather slow by Sin City standards but one gentleman did walk to the middle of a Sin City casino and suddenly begin cursing ripping his hoodie off and cursing again talking to no one in particular about what was pissing him off.

Another Sin City patron discovered that paying anything up front to anybody for anything is a bad idea and paying more than say $500 to person wearing six inch heels is really kind of silly as is asking the police for help in getting your money back for said proposed services which are after all illegal in Clark County Nevada.

Another Sin City denizen decided that walls made him angry and put his hand through the dry wall to show it who was boss. I think the wall won. And a cab and a Cadillac bumped heads while leaving a parking garage.
Now the man I saw slumped in the wheel chair. I don’t think the man was deceased but he wasn’t moving and the people who stopped to help him were having trouble waking him up but somebody did stop to help and there were police cars and ambulances in the area and I’m guessing they were on the way to providing what help could be provided.
I don’t know what happened to the man but somebody did stop to help while nearby tourists consulted maps, took cheesecake photos, paraded their children past towers of decadence and winked at the working girls walking down the wayside but somebody stopped to help.
As I have sometimes said the people in the this city will surprise you some of the time. Not often but some of the time.
Jogger report: There were many joggers on Las Vegas Boulevard but someone should tell the gentleman who trotted down the Strip last week around noon that middle aged guys do not look cool running down the center road of a street in a major city shirtless wearing only gym shorts and bright green glow in the dark shoes. My eyes still hurt. I could not avert them fast enough.

 

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Donning Grandpas Punk Gear and passing out in the bathroom

by Royal Hopper
 

Image and perception matter in Las Vegas and they matter a lot but they don’t protect you especially if you do it badly.

This week in the City of Sin a beautiful young woman approached the information desk at a local casino tears running down her cheeks inconsolable and sobbing as she spoke her chest heaving with the effort. Why was she upset ? There will be more on this in a moment.

Bally-who, a palm tree and the Eiffel Tower greet visitors to Las Vegas Boulevard Monday
afternoon – Photo by Royal

This week I saw a lot of people spending a lot of time polishing their image in the City of Sin and doing it badly.

Lets start with idiots trying to convince people they are bad ass rebels in a town whose bedrock was built on the efforts of bad ass rebel gangsters, bad ass rebel cowboys and self promoting bad ass freaks from all over the work.
This week’s cast of bad ass wannabes includes Dude wearing grandpa’s punk gear, Dude passed out in the bathroom because he’s a man and he can handle his booze, and one enterprising individual who started a fire in a trash can because hey no one is going to tell them they can’t smoke in the bathroom.

City of Sin Tourists wait patiently for the light to change perhaps thinking Wow that’s cool _ Photo by Royal

Now lets talk about Dude with grandpa’s punk gear and with a question…..

What do you call an idiot dressed in black with a lip ring who weighs a buck twenty sopping wet and who spits out the window of Las Vegas hotel room 14 floors in the air ???
You might call him Frank or Jim I for one just call him the idiot dressed in black with the pierced lip who is leaving the hotel but hey I’m traditional that way and this is the City of Sin. Here image is important.

Its not everything but it is important and I’m sure grandpa who was probably a genuine rebel who slam danced his way across the country will be glad to get his gear back in his closet where it belongs.

Now the guy laying down in the bathroom because he is a man and can handle his booze.

Consider the Sin City cliché that is the falling down drunk. This particular drunk, drank a lot or took a lot and apparently taking a leak was just too much strain for him to endure. He fell down and could not get up. No one was going to tell this manly man an alcoholic should not drink.
The person who decided they were going to smoke and were going to throw their smoldering cigarette in a trash can full of paper was in such a panic to leave when the flames started to emerge from the trash bin they left some of their clothes behind.
The person who suddenly discovered she was ill after drinking a lot decided she had alcohol poisoning. She had a drink for hours and couldn’t keep anything down and had a massive headache. She had a hangover

Now back to the engaging attractive young woman who was in tears, inconsolable begging casino employees for help. It turns out she was upset because she what ???lost all her money ????? Her boyfriend…No she lost her phone ..It was found by her boyfriend who told her on her other phone????

Lastly I would like to close with a cliché. One man, who like thousands before him and probably more to come, invited a woman he didn’t know to his room likely accepted a drink he didn’t make, woke up devoid of his wallet and his pride. If you live here you don’t get surprised when you hear someone got rolled by a working girl. It’s so cliché it’s almost boring.

You can’t be an idiot in Las Vegas for any length of time anyway. Like most modern cities this city, the City of Sin is unforgiving of idiots and naivety. It does not suffer fools lightly. It loves them. It woos them. It embraces them especially if they have money. Image is important in the City of Sin. It makes the city notice you. How you handle it is up to you…..

Such is life in the City of Sin

Til next time

Rock On Sinners Rock On

Jogger report:

I am recreating the Jogger report lets start with one simple observation. I saw a lot of couples jogging this week. One caught my eye. The woman of the couple looked lithe and sprightly easily running down the Las Vegas boulevard as her man a more regular guy type was clearly struggling. It was almost cliché