By Royal Hopper
If you are in the City of Sin anytime in the near future guard your warm milk, your good shoes and your pet mice the Werecats of Sin City are on the prowl.
You heard it right not werewolves or were tigers or even were poodles the latest City of Sin denizens are in fact undead shape shifting felines. Recently City of Sin paramedics were called to the scene in a portion of the city like they are thousands of times each week. This time was different. They were confronted with a strange question from a concerned resident and the visage of true evil. Well not really evil so much as sad and silly.
To paraphrase the citizen who we will call Felix …“Does anything happen when you inject cat blood…? “
Seriously this was question asked by this man to a paramedic in training, lets call him Sat Mahr ( I made that up) and his veteran paramedics trainers.
Felix confessed to the paramedics he was an intravenous drug user. He said his friend had switched needles on him and he may have injected cat blood into his much abused veins. He wasn’t sure if the injections would have any effect but did confess he was having unexplained cravings for warm milk, goldfish and lasagna (Were Garfield) and had spent all afternoon peeing on all the pillows in the apartment and rubbing up against his roommates leg and had developed a sudden aversion to silver. The full moon is getting closer damn it I have to know….Am I going to turn into a giant four pawed pussy cat when the full moon rises.
Well I kind of made up that last part but still.
The paramedics reportedly told the man werecats infections were not in their protocols but reportedly managed to calm the man down and offered him some Cat Chow. No not really.
Everyone knows Werecats are allergic to Cat Chow and silver goldfish.
When you see them you must hold fourth a silver goldfish shake the box of Cat Chow and shout ….”
“Back creature of feline darkness behold my pet fish… back I say tempt me not with your purring and hissing. I have dated women. I have dogs. Ask my wife. She’s a woman…”
Werecats called Therianthropes by occult purist tend to be large and territorial and live in large families according to werecats.com and Therianthropes.com/were cats. They tend to live next to large colonies of were bunnies their favorite prey.
Perhaps the man discovered face down on the floor in front of a popular City of Sin showroom this week may have been a werecat or werebunnie or he may have been abusing controlled substances for several days as he told hotel employees who arrived to check out why a man was lying on the floor with his nose buried in the carpet sleeping on the carpeted floor like a werecat or werebunnie or a hedonist moron coming down from a three day high. No one knows what he told paramedics who arrived to treat him.
If you drink don’t sit in chairs if you sit in chairs don’t drink. Several were bunnies were spotted in the City of Sin this week were simply to
Were bunnies the cuteness that kills
drunk to sit. They sat down, they fell down.
Also Las Vegas police issued a warning about a werecat door pusher. A door pusher is a unique kind of thief popular in Sin City. The door pushers who pushes on doors until he finds one that is not locked and then he enter the room and steals whatever is handy. (How lazy is that) This person stood out to observers because he was pigeon toed, bow legged ..took longer strides than usual and hid his myriad of strange tattoos beneath his unusual long sleeved shirts.
Moral of the story if you are going to be a door pushing werecat in Las Vegas don’t be weird, weird looking, pigeon toed walk weird or have stupid tattoos up to your fingertips.
I now know that this person with his odd walk and pigeon toes is a Were Cat. Think about it cats are lazy and hyper and walk strangely… think about it….think about it …..Weird tattoos.
All you were cats out there please seek help for your condition from those who share your affliction like the folks at www.werecats.zoomshare.com or reach them by email at email@example.com I kid you not. This is a real site.
One elder werecat was spotted lounging in a local casino.
I will call this werecat Mullet Man. Mullet Man is a super natural being blessed with an absolute fearlessness of long obsolete hairstyles, an affection for petuli oil and a mustache that looked like it would keep growing if it was cut off.
All in all the City if Sin barely noticed the werecat invasion. One elderly female tourist tripped over her oxygen bottle while paying slots refused paramedics but asked for help hauling her oxygen bottle to the bank of slot machines she was playing. A man walking his dogs on the boulevard was pleased when a woman walking down the strip stopped to talk …to his dogs and the Old School Jams filtered through the Las Vegas air.
Such is life in the City of Sin.
Until next time
Rock on fellow sinners..Rock on and don’t be a werecat
There are more than 200,000 feral cats in Clark County Nevada according to Las Vegas humane society http://www.lvvhumane.org/stray_cats.php Imagine that 200,000 Werecats waiting to shred your couch covers and use your expensive wooden furniture as a scratching post every time the full moon lights up the desert sky.