Question: What do you say to someone who is so obnoxiously drunk his own best friend wants to knock him across the room ? ..stayed tuned

Even in Las Vegas people get bored _ Photo by Royal Hopper

A Half a bottle and the week in question

By Royal Hopper

“Oh look a car almost hit me ..Is that a half empty bottle of Budweiser I see,” White T-shirt homeland guy seemed to say as he stood unconcerned standing in the middle of an intersection during rush hour shift traffic on a street in a city where 40 percent of drivers are drunk or stoned at any given time.

On the way to work last week I saw this man who we shall call Crazy Homeless White T-shirt guy standing in the middle of the road, his pristine white T shirt in stark contrast to greasy hair and Jack Daniels tan. His six foot tall 120 pound frame stood as straight as an arrow cars zooming back and fourth around him around like angry two ton hornets.

Open Bar in Vegas really ???? Yes this is the City of Sin _ Photo by Royal

Just down the road another man dressed in the shorts and team jersey popular with the mainstream these days decided to simply sit down where he was. He sat by a newspaper rack unmoved by the throng of late night Sin City sight seers who “thronged” around him as he sat on the section of Sin City sidewalk he had claimed either to tired or to drunk to care people were watching him.

Even further an ordinary looking 50 something stood on the corner of a Sin City median showing off his middle-aged physique for all four of he observers standing on the corner nearby by and several early morning commuters who were to tired to comment or care.
“Look at me I am a middle-aged stud,” the shirtless posing middle -aged guy who we shall call shirtless middle-aged posing guy seemed to say _ “and it only took four cases of beer a day to look like this.”

Driving down the streets of any city in this country is like walking through a art gallery. If you don’t look closely at the canvas you are driving through it all blurs together like a really bad photo of a kids birthday party. If you really look around while you are driving

Cities are the same way. The individual pieces are easy to ignore. If you don’t look all you see is blotches of paint of paint on antique canvas, under paid security guards in uncomfortable uniforms and a sea of anonymous faces just as confused as you are.. But of you pay attention you will see all the mini melodrama going on right underneath your nose.

This is also Las Vegas _ Photo by Royal Hopper

What do you do when someone is so obnoxiously drunk his own best friend wants to punch him in the face ? I don’t man .I am still trying to figure that one out.
Jogger report:
This week is the official beginning of the scantily clad good looking jogger showing off their assets to onlookers part of the season. I am not sure how you manage to jog half a block with your bare bottom hanging out for all to see but hey such is life in the City of Sin..

Take Care Sinners

Rock on

 

Keeping order in the City of Sin _ Photo by Royal Hopper

Question a very nice older couple from Denmark comes to Las Vegas for a week what do they do ?

Stay tuned for the answer.

Zigging and zagging in the City of Sin

This regular Strip commuter rides his unusual  device down the Strip ;ate last week

This regular Strip commuter rides his unusual device down the Strip ;ate last week

By Royal Hopper

Sometimes working every day in a casino full of drunks, gamblers and assorted bad actors and hordes of talented people who spent years zigging when they should zagged seeing things like seven foot tall transvestite hookers, androgynous couples making out by the side of an empty swimming pool and middle aged men dressed like fashion impaired super heroes becomes so common that it fades from your mind almost as it occurs..

Like the man who fell off his bar stool.

“I’m good was all the intoxicated man sitting at the bar would say.”

What is your name Sir ? Answer: “I’m good.”

“Where are you staying?” Answer: “I’m good.”

“Why did you fall off your stool?” Answer: I’m good

“Do you know where you are???” Answer: I’m good

The abovementioned super hero fan strode through a local casino hauling his luggage dressed head to toe in pale blue green tights including head dress pale blue green boots and gloves and an orange mask hanging from his neck.

Larrypsychic ereadings

This week I also talked to a musician named Larry (lets leave it at that Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and all that). Larry, now in his mid 60s explains back in the day he had a shot at fame and fortune. He was offered a cent and a half for every record sold that he played on by a studio executive an unheard of price for studio musicians in those days. Driven by bad advice he insisted on 25 cents a record and the executive stated they more than 500 guys like him on retainer walked out..

“It is probably a good thing I didn’t get rich and famous. You have no privacy,” Larry explains that he works for a living between gigs sometimes 12 hours a day and it is these wages that financed his trip to the City of Sin.
As he waits poolside for the Vegas hotel he has booked a room in to have a room available Larry explains he has played every end of the musical spectrum form country to rock. For awhile he was oldest white rapper in his musical community Larry says breaking into the rap that earned him the label Papa Rap.

Vegas is a City full of talented smart people who somehow zigged when they should have zagged. Larry can make a list of great gigs he has played and now famous musicians he has jammed with.

Former Guns and Roses “axman” Slash played on a band Larry was a member of he says. His band once went up against BB King for a gig and sold out many of the small arenas in southern California,

Those kinds of wrong turns is probably something the man who wandered around a casino stone drunk barely able to speak telling anyone who would listen he was missing $30,000 and was staying Jan Hammer who is incidentally the Czech composer who wrote the theme song for the original Miami Vice.

old guy in haiwaiin shirt taking a pic
The couple who only stopped in Vegas to rest for a couple of days and to give their RV a rest ended up selling personal possessions for gas money can also relate to.

Now as to what a nice respectable older couple from Denmark does???

Do they Listen to music?, take pictures of the Belagio fountain and other tourist sights?. Do they take in a few shows graze the urban landscape of cafes and restaurants ? Do they prowl the showrooms of Sin City looking for autographs of the lounge acts that populate the city.

No silly they spend all night drinking and gambling get drunk off their ass and finally get so drunk they need help getting back to their room to sleep their all nighter off.

This is after all the City of Sin.
Take Care Sinners
Rock on

Jogger Report
Jogging season has once again reared ugly well manicured head as day time temperatures finally drop below 100 degrees in the City of Sin..

Jogging season is a big event in this City. It is the precise moment in time when people suddenly assume everyone actually wants to see them trotting down the boulevard in their name brand running shorts and the temperatures dip low enough so they don’t pass out in the desert sun doing so. _ Jogging season.. Jogging season started with a bang this year in the City of Sin.

Well no actually it didn’t. It started with a man my age wearing $2,000 or so of Gucci jogging outfit actually stopping from time to time to allow people to take pictures of him. A meticulous hair cut and shoes that he wears once a week. The really hot female joggers show up much later in the season.

“Look at me you peasant I am a jogger,” this well dressed pedestrians seem to project as they pound the pavement down the man street of the country’s preeminent tourist town pretending they don’t want to be bothered.

Maybe they are afraid of being mugged for their $800 pink running shoes or Gucci running accessories who knows.

Chick sitting _ all Photos by Royal Hopper

Chick sitting _ all Photos by Royal Hopper

good city scape

Cityscape By Royal Hopper

A long night _ Photo by Royal Hopper

A long night woohoo_ Photo by Royal Hopper


The call of the drunken Speckled Belly Woohoo

By Royal M Hopper III

Sometimes while you are sitting quietly near a swimming pool in the City of Sin you will hear a quiet tentative wwooohoooo echoing across the still desert air from one of the most common of Sin City critters.

Looking across the glittering neon confines of the local casino or hotel pool or tourist trap I mean attraction you see the source of this plaintive woohoo. Badly dressed and ardently clutching the remains of its favorite, prey the novelty drink cup shaped like a guitar, dog or cartoon character full of an alcoholic beverage.

an even rougher night woohoo _ Photo by Royal

an even rougher night woohoo _ Photo by Royal

These exotic creatures are called many things by residents of the City of Sin including exotic names drunken aholes who help me pay the mortgage, but many simply refer to them by their proper name _ the Drunken Speckled Belly Nerd and their cousins the Drunken Speckled Belly yahoo and rarer but no less obvious speckled Belly Deuce or simply the Woohoos after their plaintive alcohol induced mating calls.

These critters are from many out of the way locales flocking to Sin City from exotic places like Cleveland, Canada and South Dakota. They gather at select habitats where cheap liquor is sold. Quiet at first the shy Drunken Speckled Belly creatures beginning by letting out a tentative “woohoo” and waving their favorite brown glass and clear plastic beverage containers around in the air.

It is quiet at first but soon, perhaps encouraged by the presence of other Speckled Belly Drunken woohoos or the haunting melodies on the overhead PA.a chorus of slurred woohoos begins to erupt from the scattered crowd of ordinary tourists.

Soon other soft faint woohoo’s join the chorus of Budweiser inspired cat calls and soon the entire pool or sidewalk is boohooing and shaking their brown bottles and plastic cups in the air like the wild animals they are and those that can stand attempt to dance and warble through the words of the song currently playing.

Rough life ...woohoo ? _ Photo by Royal

Rough life …woohoo ? _ Photo by Royal

“Woohoo,” says one Speckled Belly yahoo dressed in overalls but wearing no shirt. “Woohoo,” answered another wearing tuxedo pants cut off at the knees.Woohoooo called a third .. .. .. Who wore a black leather bikini top with his purple Power Ball T-shirt and gray pajama bottoms.. . . Soon there is a chorus of woohoos echoing across the smoke and alcohol laden desert air..

Suddenly perhaps realizing they are in Vegas stone drunk and broke the woohoos trail off into the desert night and the Speckled Belly Woohoos return to the quiet confines of the nearest casino to spend what money they have left.. . .

Such is life in the City of Sin
Woohoo Sinners
Rock on

Just because it cool ....woohoo _ Royal

Just because it cool ….woohoo _ Royal

The Perfect Vegas Strip Mall..Liquor World

The Perfect Vegas Strip Mall..Liquor World


Drinking In Your Under Wear

By Royal Hopper

People stopped to look at the man quietly sitting on the parched, sun baked bricks of a Las Vegas Landmark sipping on a cold brewed ale. Perhaps they stopped to listen to the jaunty tune he was reportedly humming to himself. Lets call this man Mickie the drunk mellow naked guy. 

Perhaps they were stopping to listen to the tales of woe and adventure Mickie was relating to no one in particular or perhaps they were watching as the desert breeze gently wafted through his unkempt hair.. .. ..
Or perhaps and more likely they were caught off guard by the sight of a man quietly sitting on a planter on Las Vegas Boulevard with a brew in his hand wearing nothing but his tightie whities.. Yes this denizen of the neon jungle was drinking beer n his underwear six feet from the busiest street in Las Vegas.NV.

There is an old saying in Vegas that goes something like anything that is worth doing is better done in your underwear._ ( okay I made it up sue me )

Bearded dude on a bike

Bearded dude on a bike

I am sure that is what another man,  lets call him Speedy the naked running guy, running down Las Vegas Boulevard in a set of dark blue skivies he was thinking as he ran with all the barefoot might he could muster about 100 feet ahead of his girlfriend who was much more modestly clad in a short skirted pajamas.

Speedy and his clothing optional cohorts jetted down the boulevard on some time sensitive mission weaving in and out of the throngs of tourists pausing occasionally to tuck in a stray body part that had flopped out of its resting place.
They dashed down the sidewalk like extras in some kind of romantic comedy run of shame back from a recent rendezvous.

The City of Sin in the morning _ Photo by Royal

The City of Sin in the morning _ Photo by Royal

The pair then continued to run up the escalator near Planet Hollywood with the guy, the younger more athletic of the two who was also less weighed down by clothing bounding up the escalator his bare feet apparently immune to the sun heated pavement and metal.

“Wait, wait,” the woman seemed to say, “we’re married you don’t have to run.” The man kept on running his long legged skivies flapping in the wind. As he ran up the escalator like a gazelle who had drunk a fifth of JD and followed it with a whole quart of Red Bull and a mouth full of prescription medication.
Maybe they just liked running half dressed down a busy Las Vegas street in the middle of the day. Who knows?

Later in the week another tattooed genius (lets call him tattooed genius guy or TGG) strode down the middle of a Sin City roadway wearing nothing but swim trunks and his late period Elvis Homage body art with a bag full of bottles of water. Strangely enough no one was buying water from the almost naked guy with the Elvis portrait on his chest At lest I think it was Elvis. At least I think it was Elvis.
It could have been Mickie Mouse or Brett Favre ..but I think it was Elvis.

Perhaps feeling that it was too hot even for swim gear _ TGG ripped the swim trunks off and continued his trek down the medians and crosswalks of the City of Sin wearing just his underwear and his tattoos. 

mom and kids

Lastly as the week was ending I saw the underwear phenomenon arrive on intoxicated fashion deprived wings to my own little Sin City suburban subdivision. One night unable to sleep because of a combination of night shift circadian issues and reoccurring insomnia I took one of our family pets for a late night walk. As I turned the corner around on of the gated communities many theme named streets I spotted a man wearing only long legged underpants and a pair flip flops the shoes made popular in the 70s by beach combing stoners and old people.

He wasn’t walking his dog or running a quick errand sans clothing he was just out for a walk in our cozy little gated family friendly complex in the relative cool of the desert night and decoded putting on a pair of pants was just to much of a hassle..

“Who the hell needs clothes anyway.”

For whatever reason people who come to this town seemed determined to take their clothes off in impropriate moments..

Why you got me .

That’s life in the City of Sin

Rock on Sinners

Take care

The Road to Eureka

By Royal Hopper

My wife and I took a long overdue vacation into northern California last week. In my mind I began comparing northern Cali tourists towns like Eureka and my home in the City of Sin. Stay tuned for my conclusion.

Giant statues of American mythological figures Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox stand near a cafe frequented by visitors to northern California tourists stops _ Photo by Royal Hopper

Giant statues of American mythological figures Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox stand near a cafe frequented by visitors to northern California tourists stops _ Photo by Royal Hopper

Leaving the City of Sin neon jungle behind for a few days we drove past the drunk guy standing by the side of the road in his skivies and leather jacket waving us impatiently onto the on ramp as he pointed to the sky and then to his watch and jumped on the Interstate headed to Eurka, California. We traveled north along the coast through Yosemite toward the Redwood National Forest and toward Eureka.
There few trees in the City of Sin and quaint and tranquil is not an adjective often used to described Las Vegas. Eureka is a quiet tourist town a short drive from the Redwood forest in the northern part of California.

The Riv

The Riv

Lets Compare Eureka and Sin City

As you travel the City of Sin down the infamous tourists corridor known as the “Strip” you might notice several men dressed like Elvis..

A beach lighthouse in the fog at a Northern California beach _ Photo by Royal Hopper

A beach lighthouse in the fog at a Northern California beach _ Photo by Royal Hopper

As you enter the great state of California through the back roads and stop for gas as you prepare to enter the land of nuts and flakes you might notice a man at the gas station who dresses much a younger Elvis with a pony tail tied with a braided leather cord and a John Bonham mustache.
You might say .”Great costume,” to which he may reply ..”Thanks .I mean what ?????,” because apparently this Elvis dresses like that all the time while he is at work, at the gas station. Does Vegas indeed have a lot in common with the forest of California ????

In the tourist traps in and near the Forests of California toward Eureka you can eat a hamburger near a giant statue of Babe the Blue Ox or buy gas by a giant wooden carving of Big Foot or eat a hotdog by what owners of the establishment swear is the largest and oldest tree in the state, Grandfather Tree.

You can buy gas under the watchful gaze of Big Foot at this gas station in northern California _ Royal Hopper

You can buy gas under the watchful gaze of Big Foot at this gas station in northern California _ Royal Hopper

In the City of Sin on the other hand you can get married at the Church of Elvis, you can pose for pictures with Big Bird and Little Orphan Annie and the Transformers and listen to street musicians who play impromptu disco versions of Green Day songs while occasionally checking their black felt hat for donations and you can watch women ( or men if that is your taste) dance half naked and tell well worn hand tooled jokes.
cityscape traffic 2
As you travel up the coast toward the mountainous beauty of Yosemite National Park and then up the coast toward the ancient Redwood forest on the northern Cali coast you can stop at the Church of Religious Science to get married which also has several outlets in Las Vegas according to Google.

In Vegas you can get married with $100 in your pocket and an hour to spare. If you a few more bucks in your pocket you can make the temporary acquaintance of a sidewalk Princess and all you have to do is hide your valuables avoid the spiked grape juice.

Driving down the highway going toward Eureka you spy things like Hooker Avenue and the exit for Weed, California. ( You have to wonder what the week ends are like in that town) and Liberal Street.

In Vegas people with signs are everywhere. Signs telling you how their families were kidnapped by ninjas and they need money to take Karate Lessons are normal parts of the Vegas experience.

the beach _ photo by Royal Hopper

the beach _ photo by Royal Hopper

In Eureka the horde of sign holding homeless seem to consist of the same six guys who cluster together on the dock near the beach smoking weed and one older woman holding a hand written sign asking for leftovers and actually taking them when offered.
Conclusion:
As you drive down the highway passed the turn off for Hooker Avenue and the town of Weed and stop for gas by the Church of Religious and the Science you think to yourself the tourists towns of California and Las Vegas are a lot alike. ,..
Hopper avenue exit
No don’t be a moron of course they are not alike Eureka is much smaller ..

That is life in Eureka .I mean in the City of Sin

Take Care Sinners

Rock On

It to damn hot

It is to Hot for Hepatitis
By Royal Hopper

Something happens it gets really hot in the desert. Plants turn brown, the plastic novelty cups shaped like guitars, polar bears and volcanoes melt on the sidewalks where they are left and people suddenly get very angry or very laid back.

A part of the neon jungle dedicated to the Irish in all of us - Photo by Royal Hopper

A part of the neon jungle dedicated to the Irish in all of us – Photo by Royal Hopper

Some people just sprout horns and want to fight at the drop of a hat and others go the other way and develop the attitude that 115 is just to damn hot to risks bruises or blood borne pathogens for some unnecessary disagreement..

Stand up sun bathing with a view in the City of Sin - Photo by Royal Hopper

Stand up sun bathing with a view in the City of Sin – Photo by Royal Hopper

“It is to hot for Hepatitis,” replied one guardian of order at a local establishment when confronted by a residentially challenged man he discovered sleeping under truck in the hotel parking lot suddenly jumped up apparently driven by the heat to duke it out with random strangers who stopped by to see if he was still alive.

It was just to hot, this guardian of order decided, the wrestle with a man who may or may not have a random ailment that was contagious and certainly did smell like a collection of gym socks and dirty underwear fermenting in a barrel for several hot summer days.

Just down the road later in the day a man worn out by the days travels to and from 2 for 1 well drink specials a man sits down on a sidewalk near a bedraggled homeless man sleeping nearly unconscious on a “cool spot” of the miles of Sin City sidewalks. He drains his iced drink dry and pours the last few ice cubes into his hand and starts crunching them in his teeth. The homeless man shakes himself out of his stupor aided by who knows what and looks at the source of the noise disturbing his troubled sleep.

The man looks at the unfortunate fellow shrugs his shoulder and hands the man the last of his ice cubes. The sleeping man sleepily puts the cubes in his mouth, lays back down and pushes the remains of his beverage in a clear bottle toward the other man. He stares at the bottle for several seconds then shrugs his shoulders and drains the remainder of the bottle and struggles to his feet to continue his journey to the discounted bars and sidewalks of the City of Sin.

Doo Wop

Doo Wop

He walks past a double decker bus of tourists snapping cheese cake photos of cartoon characters holding Ipod and making passes at the underage ingénues clad in bikinis, large broad brimmed straw hats and pink sunglasses and an older lady cradling a pet poodle in a baby back pack while she sips on a strawberry soda.

Summer is here in the City of Sin
Take Care Sinners

Rock on

giraffe
Don’t Pee on Another Man’s Shrubbery
by Royal Hopper

What does it mean exactly when someone says you don’t pee on another man’s shrubbery ?
Well for the man who is convinced someone followed him from a bar into his hotel room and took his wallet, his cash and ..wait for it …his virtue while he slept and believed it enough to tell the tale to police with a straight face it probably means a lot.

This phrase is one I heard while walking my dog in a Sin City suburb has apparently been echoing around the City of Sin like a Renegade Time share salesman. It is the central question of this weeks missive and a phrase with double meanings on many levels.

Yes it is real _ phorto by Royal

Yes it is real _ photo by Royal

What does it mean when you say don’t piss on another man’s shrubbery???
Of course I also heard some anonymous tourists from anonymous Nebraska tell his eager “wingman” about the dangers of pissing on another man’s shrubbery. Wingman as we all know is the nerdier of a pair of guys looking for love, the one who is dedicated to getting his friend some female company for the evening.
This drunken wingman, perhaps acting as the wingman because he was not the brightest bulb in the box seemed to take his friends advice when he stopped in front of a patch of artificial greenery and began to unzip his pants but thought better of it.
It could be he was taking his friends advice or it could be some coherent thought fought through the haze of free beer and two for one shots of Canadian Mist and made him realize he wasn’t in Nebraska in the middle of the night_ he was surrounded by kids and was in a major city and it was the middle of the afternoon. It also could be that the cop peddling by on his bicycle would have arrested his drunken Goober, tractor logo wearing country ass _ but hey what do I know..
Don’t pee on another mans shrubbery could be a warning against peeing on another person’s decorative plants. It could..
cityscape traffic
Apparently this is an old heartland manly truism that has taken hold in the city of sin and soon there will be T-shirts all over Las Vegas Boulevard proudly proclaiming that bit of sage advice..

It advice that one aspiring ladies man could have taken to heart when approaching a two women holding hands in the City of Sin a few weeks ago. The player said something to one of the two women he spotted and the other promptly smacked him across the face like he was a tantrum throwing two year old and she was his angry abusive mother. The slapper grabbed her girlfriend by the arm and strolled off down the Sin City byway..

That life in the City of Sin
Rock On
Ad Sinners

“Don’t pee on another man’s or woman’s shrubbery,”