It to damn hot

It is to Hot for Hepatitis
By Royal Hopper

Something happens it gets really hot in the desert. Plants turn brown, the plastic novelty cups shaped like guitars, polar bears and volcanoes melt on the sidewalks where they are left and people suddenly get very angry or very laid back.

A part of the neon jungle dedicated to the Irish in all of us - Photo by Royal Hopper

A part of the neon jungle dedicated to the Irish in all of us – Photo by Royal Hopper

Some people just sprout horns and want to fight at the drop of a hat and others go the other way and develop the attitude that 115 is just to damn hot to risks bruises or blood borne pathogens for some unnecessary disagreement..

Stand up sun bathing with a view in the City of Sin - Photo by Royal Hopper

Stand up sun bathing with a view in the City of Sin – Photo by Royal Hopper

“It is to hot for Hepatitis,” replied one guardian of order at a local establishment when confronted by a residentially challenged man he discovered sleeping under truck in the hotel parking lot suddenly jumped up apparently driven by the heat to duke it out with random strangers who stopped by to see if he was still alive.

It was just to hot, this guardian of order decided, the wrestle with a man who may or may not have a random ailment that was contagious and certainly did smell like a collection of gym socks and dirty underwear fermenting in a barrel for several hot summer days.

Just down the road later in the day a man worn out by the days travels to and from 2 for 1 well drink specials a man sits down on a sidewalk near a bedraggled homeless man sleeping nearly unconscious on a “cool spot” of the miles of Sin City sidewalks. He drains his iced drink dry and pours the last few ice cubes into his hand and starts crunching them in his teeth. The homeless man shakes himself out of his stupor aided by who knows what and looks at the source of the noise disturbing his troubled sleep.

The man looks at the unfortunate fellow shrugs his shoulder and hands the man the last of his ice cubes. The sleeping man sleepily puts the cubes in his mouth, lays back down and pushes the remains of his beverage in a clear bottle toward the other man. He stares at the bottle for several seconds then shrugs his shoulders and drains the remainder of the bottle and struggles to his feet to continue his journey to the discounted bars and sidewalks of the City of Sin.

Doo Wop

Doo Wop

He walks past a double decker bus of tourists snapping cheese cake photos of cartoon characters holding Ipod and making passes at the underage ingénues clad in bikinis, large broad brimmed straw hats and pink sunglasses and an older lady cradling a pet poodle in a baby back pack while she sips on a strawberry soda.

Summer is here in the City of Sin
Take Care Sinners

Rock on

giraffe
Don’t Pee on Another Man’s Shrubbery
by Royal Hopper

What does it mean exactly when someone says you don’t pee on another man’s shrubbery ?
Well for the man who is convinced someone followed him from a bar into his hotel room and took his wallet, his cash and ..wait for it …his virtue while he slept and believed it enough to tell the tale to police with a straight face it probably means a lot.

This phrase is one I heard while walking my dog in a Sin City suburb has apparently been echoing around the City of Sin like a Renegade Time share salesman. It is the central question of this weeks missive and a phrase with double meanings on many levels.

Yes it is real _ phorto by Royal

Yes it is real _ photo by Royal

What does it mean when you say don’t piss on another man’s shrubbery???
Of course I also heard some anonymous tourists from anonymous Nebraska tell his eager “wingman” about the dangers of pissing on another man’s shrubbery. Wingman as we all know is the nerdier of a pair of guys looking for love, the one who is dedicated to getting his friend some female company for the evening.
This drunken wingman, perhaps acting as the wingman because he was not the brightest bulb in the box seemed to take his friends advice when he stopped in front of a patch of artificial greenery and began to unzip his pants but thought better of it.
It could be he was taking his friends advice or it could be some coherent thought fought through the haze of free beer and two for one shots of Canadian Mist and made him realize he wasn’t in Nebraska in the middle of the night_ he was surrounded by kids and was in a major city and it was the middle of the afternoon. It also could be that the cop peddling by on his bicycle would have arrested his drunken Goober, tractor logo wearing country ass _ but hey what do I know..
Don’t pee on another mans shrubbery could be a warning against peeing on another person’s decorative plants. It could..
cityscape traffic
Apparently this is an old heartland manly truism that has taken hold in the city of sin and soon there will be T-shirts all over Las Vegas Boulevard proudly proclaiming that bit of sage advice..

It advice that one aspiring ladies man could have taken to heart when approaching a two women holding hands in the City of Sin a few weeks ago. The player said something to one of the two women he spotted and the other promptly smacked him across the face like he was a tantrum throwing two year old and she was his angry abusive mother. The slapper grabbed her girlfriend by the arm and strolled off down the Sin City byway..

That life in the City of Sin
Rock On
Ad Sinners

“Don’t pee on another man’s or woman’s shrubbery,”

The More things change the more they stay the same

blow up doll

Fair is Fair by Royal Hopper

Rock on Sin City
The More things change the more they stay the same

By Royal Hopper

bycycle

I got my lunch box and Im all real well..photo by Royal Hopper

The City of Sin has changed a lot since the days the greatest generation visited Sin City. Just ask Sin Coty patron John Cary or the woman walking down the Boulevard with a blow up doll under her arm Sunday or the five foot tall Vader flirting with female and male tourists alike on a Vegas street corner.

A few days before July 4th before the blow up doll or the mini Darth took advantage of a rare cloudy day in the city I met a man who said his name was John Cary.
(He didn’t spell it for me and I didn’t ask) Cary was a teen in the age of the big band when world caught fire. At an age when most people are struggling to find their first real job, the 89-year-old John Cary said he was fighting his way across Okinawa with his Marine buddies. As he stood in the Sin City Casino he was visiting for his vacation late last week he proudly showed off a photo he had taken in his Marine Dress Blues with other John Kerry the famous one.

This member of the greatest generation talked about a lot of things His voice faltered as he leaned on a nearby counter for support and 70-year-old memories flowed from his memories to his voice.

Zero Credit

Zero Credit by Royal Hopper

He said remembers a plane trying to strafe his fellow Marines that he and his fellow Leathernecks shot down. He smiled when he remembered meeting his brother in Korea and frowned when couldn’t remember which had come first.
What really gets John Cary down right angry is how tight the slot machines are in the City of Sin these days. They just don’t pay out like they used to said Cary a scared veteran of the City of Sin.
“Las Vegas,” he said, just isn’t what it used to be said the 89-year-old. It is harder to get money he said complaining he could only get $250 a day to gamble with. “Some kind of daily limit,” he groused.

“And the food is so much more expensive,”

In April of 1945 Carey and his fellow jarheads were part of a 183,000 man force of Marines and GI ‘s who took the Island of Okinawa from the Japanese defenders. In early July of this year he was bragging about the fine figure he cut in his uniform back in the day and wondering why he could not get the cocktail waitress to listen to his practiced pitch and shaking his head at the head full of dyed purple hair he saw bouncing across the casino floor.

That same week I talked to two young Brits lets call them Patty and Ian. They remarked with amazement that 16-year-olds can drive in the City of Sin but they can’t drink or even sit in the bar while their 22-year-old boyfriends guzzle $1 beer.

I have no idea what it means except I guess Vegas is Vegas.

That’s life in the City of Sin

Rock On Sinners

Hot town summer in the City

 

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Imagine you standing on a Las Vegas street corner smoothing your well worn skirt with both your manicured hands combing your thick black beard and stomping your boot clad feet. Imagine your standing in a parking lot singing your heart out in the middle of the afternoon under the glare of the desert sun..

What does that mean ?????

Interview with the sinners
By Royal Hopper

The following is a collective imaginary interview with three Sin City Character archetypes a Bum, street musician and a tourist and an casino exec. Based on real things people say and do and a lifetime of talking to strangers and giving them directions to the bathroom.

Question: What is the most important part of the Las Vegas experience????

Street Musician: That’s an old Robert Johnson tune right something like this..proceeds to play.How about something for the effort

Casino Exec: I am glad you asked. It’s going to be a 5,000 room resort you cant afford to stay in with a live Volcano, live 24 hour burlesque, zombies and five, Five Star Steakhouses named after French things and three over the hill has been superstars we have blackmailed with pictures of their last orgy to snort cocaine and badly mangle top 40 hits from 40 years ago..Thank You and have a great day .

Tourist: Wow, oooooooooohhhhh, wow, oooooooooooohhhhhhh. Where is the bathroom????

Bum: Can you spare a $5 buddy

Question:

How much is to much ???

Street Musician: “I know that one,” “starts singing” How much is to much on three one two three .(start playing)

Casino exec.No such thing.wait ..what was the question ?????

Tourist .. “Eighty-five”

Bum.Hey .“ Buddy can you spare a five.

 

 

 

It’s just another day in the City of Sin..

Questions
How many tourists does it take to screw a light bulb ????

Street Musician>>. “Hey I know that one too.all right boys blues beat on two,”

Casino executive. “Just call housekeeping and they will do it for you..”

Bum..hey Boddy can you spare a five

What does it mean when people dress weirdly and sign their hearts out in the glaring desert sun.

Who knows why people do the things they do??? They need to be heard.they need to be helped .they enjoy the attention or they really never got over the demise of disco and bell bottoms and 2 for 1 drink specials ..

 What Day is it Man ? Or What day is it man

The EDC comes to the City of Sin

By Royal Hopper  

As they walked across the McCarran airport baggage claim floor two tutu clad linebackers strolled confidently across know three things.
They looked good in pink, outweighed the people giggling at them by at least 60 pounds and they were in the City of Sin for one thing..to dance the night away surrounded by bikini clad ravers who know where they are about half the time.Image

So I am standing in the baggage claim at McCarran airport waiting for my beloved daughter to get back from Boston when I spied these two tutu clad buff boys. It was sight that almost floored me even after 15 years off an on in the City of Sin..

The Electric Daisy Carnival has danced its glittery, fluorescent bikini clad way into the City of Sin.

A few days later the weight lifting tutu wearing Daisy ravers were spotted stumbling back into a Las Vegas hotel weary half naked and surrounded by bikini clad beauties the odd bits of glitter still hanging from the dirty sweat stained tutus.
One young lady in the crowd is certain she is staying at the hotel but simply cannot remember which one and another seems certain that she hears the school bell ringing in the middle of the noisy casino and she is going to be late for class. Her legs move like she is trying to run but worn out from dancing and whatever chemical enhancement she used to dance the night away her legs just shuffle a bit.Image

“Nice costume,” I quip to one Mohawk wearing raver. “Yeah, its cool I got it out of my grandfathers closet,” he laughed giggling a bit answered and then straightening up and asking in a polite respectful voice.”Sir where is the restroom?” Suddenly feeling very old I cut off the last vestige of vintage 1986 hipsterism l was preparing to say as it formed in my mind and pointed to the sign indicating where the restroom was.

The Electric Daisy Carnival is the younger generations answer to the Grateful Dead. Electronic dance music coupled with bright neon leggings, rainbows of hair dye and costumes of every size, shape and description.Image

It is all about partying til you drop and dancing til you can’t anymore much like the slogan written on the rear windshield of car with California plates in white shoe polish.

“Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat,” read the rear windshield as the vehicle that carried it drove down Las Vegas Boulevard. “Rave on,” said another. .My favorite EDC was uttered by a Raver who was asked how many days the carnival had left. Her answer was a simple and straightforward..She answered with a question.
“I don’t know. What Day is it..?” she said looking down at her watch and smiling back at the questioner with tired dance worn eyes..Image

That life in the City of Sin

And in the words of my generation..
Rock On Sinners

Eat, Sleep, Rock Repeat

What the hell is Rave anyway ???

Riddle me this Sinners????
What does it mean when a man with a closely trimmed Breakfast Club beard wearing a plastic tiara storms up to casino employees and demands a Band Aid ( It is a copyrighted name) because he cut himself shaving his legs and was bleeding all over the place. Stay tuned for the answer.

The second question of the week is more straight forward . When is being good at something bad.

 

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One of many anonymous sign holders in the City of Sin – Photo by Royal Hopper

I am not with him/her I swear

By Royal Hopper

Many years ago as I looked across the humid biscuit and bacon scented air of my grandmothers southeast Texas kitchen I heard the words, “ Abraham Lincoln was a hippie who needs to get a real job, Elvis is a communist and the secret of really good 15 minute cornbread is bacon grease and salt,” from someone whose name is lost in the mist of four decades of memory. He could have been a thankfully distant relative or one of Grandmas neighbors but he looked lie he stepped right out of a really bad TV version of a James Faulkner novel.

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An oldie but a goodie – Photo by Royal Hopper

He looked a little like the Jack Daniels enhanced duo of ner do wells seen swapping purloined slot tickets or the pair of pregnant hookers seen dragging a drunken businessman toward a set of nearby elevators.

The thing is down south where I grew up most people, even those who can’t tie their shoes without a staff of helpers can cook a little. Even down in the macho land of cotton where men are men and cattle smile all the time_ people you wouldn’t trust to clip your toe nails can make a mean plate of ribs or a meatloaf that would melt in your mouth.
Every macho southern man can make at least one “man safe” macho meal, like barbecued steak, a pot of gumbo or three alarm chili and most southern women can do things with Rice a Roni that will spin your head like a Bessie Bug..
It is just part of the culture.

Anyway this character whose name I do not remember, smelled like beer, peanuts, hair oil and the bottle of Old Spice he had likely snagged from one of my grandfathers garbage trucks. In short he was colorful southern character from a bad B-movie.
“I seen aliens before.” .he said, “They are here.”

Just last week I saw a man on Las Vegas Boulevard give an intense lecture to a crowd of invisible fans about the inevitable landing of space aliens in preparation for an intergalactic barbecue. Who knew the aliens were southerners..

As, lets call him Billy Jo Ray Bob Jedidiah or Jed for short, he was explaining his recipe for cornbread and sugar cookies and the ways to survive alien encounters he also explained how he, after drinking a twelve pack had fallen asleep in his oldest brother’s dog house and how it wasn’t his fault.

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I have no idea but it was weird so here it is. Tropicana Avenue about a week ago – Photo by Royal Hopper

This week in the City of Sin a man fell asleep on a Sin City street corner in a dress, black leather boots and a rainbow garters. At least I think it was a man and I think he was only sleeping..

As another person who once again I did not know told his fortune with a pack of playing cards they had “purchased” at a nearby Gas and Go he smiled through the mile wide gap in his front teeth added that he didn’t believe in the Easter Bunny, that unleaded gasoline was a communist plot, Fluoride was a myth and family reunions were not the exiting singles scene they were made out to be . (okay maybe I made that last part up)

The point of this random memory from 40-years ago, when polyester was king and hair oil was still a fashion option, is that simply the reason so many of my fellow southerners are fat is that they can all cook a little and many are very good at it..

The reason my current home Las Vegas, the City of Sin is so full of players is that we can all act a little we can all pretend and sell the image of Sin City. It is just part of the culture

As to the reason why Flash Dance inspired living in the 80s drama queens get so bitchy when asking for a band aid ..you got me brother _ I just work here.

And you knew what the cornbread that weird dude cooked was actually really good. .

Hey look at what I can do

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A list of things not do in the City of Sin

* Do not wear a leisure suit or a mullet to a formal dinner. I can tell you from personal experience it doesn’t work….

* You should not get drunk and fall off an escalator twice and then fall into a wheelchair lifty and then tell people five guys beat you up took your money and claim not to speak English until a cop whop is fluent in that language shows up.

* You should not come to Vegas on your honeymoon and spend the day drinking with your brother in law and tell your teary eyed newlywed wife to go away. Chances aere buddy you aint going to get laid tonight.

* Don’t scream at hotel security in one Sin City gambling House that the leader of this nation and two of his invisible body guards were right behind her shooting her in the back as she pointed at an empty stretch of carpet nearby.

* Don’t invite people you don’t know into your room and then tell people she/he was a nice girl/guy and there was no promise of money to come to your room and you were really shocked when the $1,200 and the 1953 Elvis Presley decoder ring you put on the nightstand was gone when you got out of the shower.

* If you are 70 years old don’t offer to show casino patrons a good time for a little beer money..

Homeless and Happy
By Royal Hopper

“Homeless and Happy” read the words scrawled in black magic marker in childlike script on one side of a souvenir paper fan.
Dug from its home in the depths of grimy sweat soaked black back pack the fans lay beside a grooming kit, assorted papers, a small knife and two “lucky Playing Cards.Image

The usual plea for funds “Homeless and Hungry” used by those who make their spending money by asking for it was not scrawled on top of one of the fans. Instead the fans owner had written “Homeless and Happy.”  He was homeless and he liked it apparently ????

Written beneath those telling words were the somewhat disconcerting words “will do anything for money.” Beneath it was a price list for his most popular street side faire.

$1 to tell any joke..$
2 to sing a song or do a dance said the sign

The backpack that contained the fans was discovered inside a Sin City landmark was ragged, well used and to be honest it kind of smelled. From the contents of the pack it was clear the owner had no regrets about his transient lifestyle.

If you live and work in the City of Sin. It is inevitable that you are asked for money by someone who is down on their luck. Usually their story is one of woe and/or hunger.
Maybe the woman who stopped me in the Wal_Mart Parking lot wearing nicer clothes than I was really did need diapers for her baby. Maybe but I doubt it.. It was probably a line and given the fact my family was scrambling like hell to find a replacement for my 13-year-old pick up before it bites the big one so I can get to work and the fact that after paying our bills and trying to put something away for retirement I had less than $20 in my locket until payday I was not in the mood to be played.Image

However it is worth noting that not everybody who lives and performs on the streets of the City of Sin is there out of desperation or the desire to scam their way into prosperity. ..some are just being who they are and some are honest about it.

The other side of the sign read “Donations Cash or marijuana are acceptable”

That is life in the City of Sin
Rock on fellow Sinners

Take care